When I was a child my mother made sure I knew she loved me with her words. We even had this little skit that we would do sometimes
Me: I love you
Mom: how much?
Me: this much (opening my arms wide)
Mom: and for how long
Me: Forever (and I would get a hug and a kiss)
Sadly that was the only way she knew how to show her love.
She didn’t make me school lunches or drive carpool or read Parenting Blogs. She was an alcoholic and drug-addicted, partying and getting high were her number one priorities. I always felt like I was in her way and insignificant. When I was three years old, we moved in with her boyfriend and his two children one boy and one girl. The girl and I were very close in age and got along like real sisters. The boy was a few years older and in a lot of pain due to his mother leaving which he took it out on me. There was not a day that went by that he didn’t make fun of me for being stupid or fat or anything he could think of to make me cry. My home life was full of late night parties our parents would throw. Or they would be fighting with each other at the top of their lungs, throwing things all around. Sometimes they would leave us home alone altogether. My new sister and I spent most of our time outside running around the neighborhood, always coming home before dark.
As I got older, I grew to hate myself; and I never felt loved or wanted by anyone.
I thought I was fat, ugly and stupid, and not worthy of anybody’s love. It also didn’t help that I had dyslexia and reading comprehension issues. Which made school very hard and it also caused me to get bullied in school as well as at home. My relatives would pick me up sometimes on weekends, and I cherish the memories of sleeping over at my grandmother’s house and watching old movies. Also seeing my aunt and uncle being silly and loving each other. One time they even surprise me and my new sister with a trip to Disneyland, we got to spend the night in the hotel and everything. I even got to go on an airplane sometimes to visit my aunt that lived in Arizona. We would always go on fun adventures. Christmas time was my favourite times of year because my aunt that lived in Arizona would come to visit. Plus I would get so many gifts from everyone. It was the one time of the year I actually could feel special. One Christmas my new brother even hugged me, I think it was the year we both got bikes. It helped, but I was always thrown back into the chaos of the real world. The summer before 7th grade our parent’s drug and alcohol issues were growing and her boyfriends family could see it. They removed his kids from the house, but no one came to get me. I started 7th grade with no sister and walked to school alone.
Despite everything, the school started off good. Of course, me being an unsupervised 12-year-old made it fun at the time.
On October 11th my grandmother walked into my room, with police everywhere she told me my mother had died, I went numb. The women that made me, the only parent I had was gone. I was truly alone in this world. I had lost everything, my mother, my sister and the home I grew up in. I hated myself even more because not only did my dad not want me my mother didn’t either. She gave up on herself by taking her life and leaving me here holding the pieces to my broken heart. My relatives had to decide who would take me; I wanted to stay with my grandmother because she lived close to where I had lived, and I could go to the same school and keep all my friends. Which for a 12-year-old girl her friends were her everything? Most of my relatives felt like I should go live with my aunts that lived in Arizona but the thought of leaving my friends behind devastated me. I begged everyone to let me stay with my grandmother, and she agreed to take me. My teenage years were filled with friends, drugs and deep depression. My relatives tried to raise me, but I rebelled all the way. Finally, I fell in love, he was everything I was missing in my life which made sense because he was just like my mother. He needed me to take care of him, and I did gladly. Which caused me to neglect everything else in my life, I thought love could save me.
When I was 17, in the summer before my senior year of high school, I got pregnant.
Surprisingly I was excited about having a baby; it finally meant someone would have to love me. The father had a little more of a mixed reaction. He was excited but also scared out of his mind. Which in reality I should have been to, there were no good parenting blogs back then. Our families had different reactions as well; my relatives were devastated. His relatives felt that we were to young but ultimately supported our decision and even helped us along the way. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I stopped my drug use and was all about the baby. I moved out of my grandmother house and into my boyfriend’s family’s home. I was going to school and working, pregnant with my little bundle of joy high on life.
Then I turned 18, and what a year I had!
Not only did I turn 18 but I gave birth to my beautiful son, graduated high school and the cherry on top of all of I got married. I was living the dream and expecting my husband and son to create my happiness, and I would be the perfect mother and wife. Until I realized being a new working mother and a wife was very hard shoes to fill. I also took on medical assistant school at night, which caused more stress in my life. The pressure of parenthood and marriage was getting to both of us; we were young and still growing up and learning about who we were as individuals. Having to figure out marriage on top of that was near impossible. Still not fully dealing with my mother’s death my depression came back full force, and there was still something missing. I didn’t feel loved by my husband I just felt like I was just there to be a mother to him, which caused us to argue a lot. I was growing unhappy and started making a lot of bad decisions ultimately sabotage our relationship and breaking both our hearts. Everything from there went in a downward spiral; once I saw how selfish I was being, I got even more depressed. I ended up getting pregnant again, and we tried to make it work, but now he was the one making the bad decision and shortly after our 2nd amazing son was born our relationship was over. The damage was done, and all the stuff we did to each other could not be undone.
I was 21, a single mother of 2 sons, working a full-time job and trying to deal with my depression.
That’s When I met this amazing 19-year-Old Latino guy. He was tall and lean and amazingly confident. He was everything I wasn’t and everything I wanted to be. Not only was I completely attracted to him, but he just seems so put together it was almost like he was too good for me at least that’s how I had felt. To my surprise, we started spending a lot of time together. I had my kids all the time so we mostly just hung out at the house. Making dinner, playing with the kids, Watching TV and cuddling. Within two years we decided to move in together, and he started helping me raise my sons, and he was amazing at it. Once again my fairy tale has come true I’ve met a knight in shining armour that took care of me that worried about me and that love my children he would hold my happiness. 4 years later we’re getting married, and I’m pregnant with my third son. He was born on rainy Super Bowl Sunday my little pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Having three kids was going smoothly, and I was throwing everything I had into the kids and my new marriage. But I never saw myself as a priority or even someone to take care of. I kept myself fed but that was about it, and I started to gain weight because I didn’t think about me. With Juggling work, kids, and household responsibilities my husband and I didn’t get a lot of free time together, and it seems like he started to spend more time on the computer than with me.
To our surprise, I got pregnant one more time, and thanks goodness it was a girl.
Our family was complete we had three wonderful boys and one beautiful little girl and me really honestly didn’t think life could get any better I had the family that I always wanted and I had a husband who provided and was a good father. But once again something was still missing I wasn’t getting the affection I felt like I needed from my husband and taking on a fourth child was more pressure. The way I would deal with everything was to eat. I tried to talk to my husband to find out what I could do to fix us but being who he was; it was hard for him to tell me. I wasn’t taking care of myself, I didn’t love myself, and I wasn’t happy. Which caused me to eat and weight gain. Which ultimately caused him to lose attraction to me. And I just couldn’t see it I was blinded to the fact that I was expecting my husband to make me happy when that was my job. One day I just woke up I just realized I have to start taking care of myself, and I started working out. I started by hiking a few nights a week with a girlfriend and eating smaller portions. I change the food that I ate, cutting out fast food, sugar, and bad carbohydrates. I went to therapy and started focusing on myself and my kids and less on my relationship. This caused A huge gap in our marriage that we couldn’t get out of. I held resentment towards my husband for his part in the ending of our relationship, but we both made huge mistakes.
Once again I’m a single mom
But in a different way than last time because their fathers helping raise the kids a hundred percent. Which helps me have some time to keep focusing on me. Getting in shape helps me gain tremendous confidence. Which cause the opposite sex to notice me more and more. One day I met A charming young man with a fire in his eyes. We started dating which is something I had never done before. Since now I had me time when the kids were with their father I got to go out discover what it felt like to have fun and feel free. The more time I spent with Prince Charming, the more in love I fell. He was so different from any man I’ve ever met he had a passion for so many things and wanted to save the planet. He was protective and affectionate, but he always kept me at arm’s length never letting me get too close. Which was part of the reason I loved him so much since it was something I was so used to my whole life? We started to grow closer and closer, and he even introduced me to his family which was a huge step for him. Right, when I thought we were beginning to get serious and start a relationship he decided he wanted to continue to be single and see other people which devastated me. Once again I have given all my happiness to someone else, and they decided to take it back, and I couldn’t blame anybody but myself. My depression continued to get worse, and I felt helpless and was ready to give up. I strive to be Perfection, and all I did was fail in every aspect of my life. At this point the only thing that kept me going where my amazing children but I was hanging on by a thread. I had this horrible bully in my head feeding me negative thoughts taking me into a deeper hole of depression. I felt completely unwanted and useless I didn’t understand why I was put here on this Earth.
Until one day I finally hit a wall
I woke up and it was as the fog had cleared and all the puzzle pieces were finally started to align. I wanted to be happy, and I was going to be happy whatever it took. I started thinking positively about everything, myself, my life, my future. I realize that I had been going about finding my happiness the wrong way of searching for it in other people. What I finally realized is that my happiness was inside of me it was in my thoughts and how I looked at my life. And once I understood that it was like a weight lifted off my shoulder. I started cutting off anybody that was living in negativeness and started being alone and loving it. By some divine intervention, I received a direct message on Instagram
parenting blog from dream coach asking me what I would do with my life if Money Were No Object. This is something I had never really thought about before, so I took some time to think about it. The next day I wrote back, I wanted to help people with my words I wanted to travel around the world with my children and learn other people’s stories. I decided to start working with the dream coach who was exactly what I needed to continue my new road of positive thinking. I shared my story with her, and she started to give me the tools I needed to heal my past and to learn about self-love and how to set personal goals. She gave me assignments to do, books to read and videos to watch to keep me motivated and I loved every minute of it. I started to see what an amazing person I truly was. I started to be grateful for my life and everything I had. I started focusing on only the good that life had to offer and even though my life was far from perfect and it still threw me curve ball I would get through it. I looked at the bad situation that would come up in a positive light and took action on the parts I could control.
I realized that all the knowledge I ever needed to have the life I wanted was out there right at my fingertips.
Just because I didn’t go to college didn’t mean that I couldn’t achieve all my dreams. All I needed was a positive attitude, the motivation and willingness to put in the hard work. And before I knew it I have found my happiness I’d wake up each day and realize what an amazing woman I am and thank God for my wonderful children. I get up each day set to achieve my goals one step at a time striving for progress, not perfection. As long as I’m working hard each day towards my goals and being the person I want to be that’s all that matters. I try to treat people the way I want to be treated even if I don’t get it in return. To have compassion for people, I don’t understand because everyone needs love. My goal is to help people by sharing my story and giving them a compassionate, loving ear. To help parents with nonjudgmental advice and teach them self-love through my parenting blog. Explore the world getting the knowledge of self-love out there. I don’t claim to know all the answers nobody does but I know everybody needs a cheerleader in their life and if I can be that for just one person. If I can just change one person’s life, that makes a world of difference.
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