When I was a child, my mother made sure I knew she loved me with her words. Sadly that was the only way she knew how to show her love.
She didn’t make my school lunches or drive carpool. She was an alcoholic and drug-addicted; partying and getting high were her number one priorities. She was numbing all of her painful childhood trauma the only way she knows how. I always felt like I was in her way and insignificant. Then, when I was 3, we moved in with her boyfriend and two children, one boy and one girl. The girl and I were very close in age and got along like real sisters. The boy was a few years older and in a lot of pain due to his mother leaving, which he took it out on me. There was not a day that went by that he didn’t make fun of me for being stupid or fat or anything he could think of to make me cry.
My home life was full of late-night parties our parents would throw.
Or they would be fighting with each other at the top of their lungs. Sometimes they would leave us home alone altogether. So my new sister and I spent most of our time outside, running around the neighborhood. As I got older, I grew to hate myself, and I never felt loved or wanted. I thought I was fat, ugly, stupid, and not worthy of anybody’s love. It also didn’t help that I had dyslexia and reading comprehension issues, which caused me to get bullied at school and at home. My relatives would pick me up sometimes on weekends, and I cherish the memories of sleeping over at my grandmother’s house and watching old movies. Also, seeing my aunt and uncle love each other and be silly. One time they even surprise my new sister and me with a trip to Disneyland; we got to spend the night in the hotel and everything. I even got to go on an airplane sometimes to visit my aunt that lived in Arizona. We would always go on fun adventures. Christmas time was my favorite time of year because my aunt, who lived in Arizona, would visit. Plus I would get so many gifts from everyone. It was the one time of the year I actually could feel special. It helped, but I was always thrown back into the chaos of the real world.
The summer before 7th grade,
our parents’ drug and alcohol issues were growing, and her boyfriend’s family could see it. So they removed his kids from the house, but no one came to get me. So I started 7th grade with no sister and walked to school alone. Despite everything, school started, and of course, being an unsupervised 12 year old made it fun at the time. On October 11th, my grandmother walked into my room with police everywhere; she told me my mother had died, I went numb. The woman that made me and the only parent I had was gone. I was truly alone in this world. I had lost everything, my mother, my sister, and the only home I knew. I hated myself even more because not only did my dad not want me my mother didn’t either. Finally, she gave up on herself by taking her own life and leaving me here, holding the pieces to my broken heart.
When I was 17, I got pregnant in the summer before my senior year of high school.
Surprisingly I was excited about having a baby; it finally meant someone would have to love me. The father had a little more of a mixed reaction of shock but was full of love. Our families had different reactions as well; my relatives were devastated. His relatives felt that we were too young but ultimately supported our decision and even helped us along the way. I was going to school and working, I finally had a happy life. I turn 18, and what a year I had. Not only did I turn 18, but I gave birth to my beautiful son, graduated high school, and the cherry on top of all of my getting married.
I was living the dream until I realized being a new working mother and a wife was hard shoes to fill.
I also took on medical assistant school at night, which caused more stress on my life. The pressure of parenthood and marriage was getting to both of us. We were young and still growing up and learning about who we were as individuals. Having to figure out marriage on top of that was near impossible. Still not entirely dealing with my mother’s death, my depression came back full force, and there was always something missing. I didn’t feel my husband’s love; I just felt like I was there to be a mother to him, which caused us to argue a lot. I was growing unhappy and started making many bad decisions, ultimately sabotaging my relationship and breaking our hearts. Everything from there went in a downward spiral; once I saw how selfish I was, I became even more depressed. I ended up getting pregnant again, and we tried to make it work, but now my husband was the one making the wrong decision, and shortly after our 2nd amazing son was born, our relationship was over. The damage was done, and all the stuff we did to each other could not be undone.
I was 21, a single mother of 2 sons, working a full-time job, and trying to deal with my depression.
That’s when I met this fantastic 19-year-old Latino guy. He was tall and lean and amazingly confident. He was everything I wasn’t and everything I wanted to be. Not only was I ultimately attracted to him, but he just seems so put together it was almost like he was too good for me; at least, that’s how I had felt. To my surprise, we started spending a lot of time together. I had my kids all the time, so we mostly just hung out at the house. Making dinner, playing with the kids, Watching TV making, and cuddling. Within two years, we decided to move in together, and he started helping me raise my sons, and he was terrific at it. Once again, my fairytale has come true I’ve met a knight in shining armor that cared about me, worried about me, and loved my children. 4 years later, we’re getting married, and I’m pregnant with my third son. He was born on rainy Super Bowl Sunday, my little pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Having three kids went smoothly, and I threw everything I had into the kids and my new marriage. But I never saw myself as a priority or really even someone to take care of. I kept myself fed, but that was about it, and I started to gain weight because I didn’t think about myself. With Juggling work, kids, and household responsibilities, my husband and I didn’t get a lot of free time together, and it seems like he started to spend more time on the computer than with me.
To our surprise, I got pregnant one more time, and thanks goodness, it was a girl.
After that, our family was complete; we had three wonderful boys and one beautiful little girl, and I really honestly didn’t think life could get any better. I had the family that I always wanted, and I had a husband who provided and was a good father. But once again, something was still missing. I wasn’t getting the affection I felt like I needed from my husband, and taking on a fourth child was definitely more pressure. The way I would deal with everything was to eat. I tried to talk to my husband to find out what I could do to fix us but being who he was, it was hard for him to tell me. I wasn’t taking care of myself, I didn’t love myself, and I wasn’t happy. Which caused me to eat and gain weight. Which ultimately caused him to lose attraction to me, and I just couldn’t see it. I was blinded because I was expecting my husband to make me happy when that was my job.
One day I just woke up, I just realized I have to start taking care of myself, and I started working out.
I began by hiking a few nights a week with a girlfriend and eating smaller portions. I change the food that I ate, cutting out fast food, sugar, and bad carbohydrates. I went to therapy and started focusing on myself and my kids and less on my relationship. This caused A massive gap in our marriage that we couldn’t get out of. I held resentment towards my husband for his part in the ending of our relationship, but really we both made huge mistakes. Once again, I’m a single mom, but it was different because their fathers helped me raise the kids a hundred percent. Which allows me to have some time to keep focusing on myself. Getting in shape helps me gain tremendous confidence, but my depression continued to worsen, and I felt helpless and was ready to give up. I strive to be perfect, and all I did was fail in every aspect of my life. At this point, the only thing that kept me going was my children, but I was hanging on by a thread. In my head, I had this horrible bully feeding me negative thoughts, taking me into a deeper hole of depression. I felt utterly unwanted and useless. I didn’t understand why I was put here on this Earth.
Until one day, I finally hit a wall. I woke up, and it was like the fog had cleared, and all the puzzle pieces were finally started to align.
I wanted to be happy, no matter what it took. I started thinking positively about everything, myself, my life, my future. I realize that I had been going about finding my happiness the wrong way searching for it in other people. I finally realized that my happiness was inside of me it was in my thoughts and how I looked at my life. And once I understood that it was like a weight lifted off my shoulder. By some divine intervention, I received a direct message on Instagram from a dream coach; I decided to start working with the dream coach, which was exactly what I needed to continue my new positive thinking road. I shared my story with her, and she started to give me the tools I needed to heal my past and learn about self-love and set personal goals. She gave me assignments to do, books to read, and videos to watch. It kept me motivated, and I loved every minute of it.
I started to see what a fantastic person I indeed was.
I began to be grateful for my life and everything I had. I started focusing on only the good that life had to offer, and even though my life was far from perfect and it still threw me a curveball, I would get through it. I realized that all the knowledge I ever needed to have in life I wanted was out there right at my fingertips. Just because I didn’t go to college didn’t mean that I couldn’t achieve all my dreams. All I needed was a positive attitude the motivation, and willingness to put in the hard work. Now that I am a life coach, my life mission is to help moms unlock their self-love and create their own inner happiness. With our coaching program, you will Stop Dreaming and Confidently Take Action. Learn how to process emotion, make sense of what you’re experiencing & as a result, step out of your own way & stop blocking yourself from actualizing the life you truly desire, dream & envision. Learn how to navigate your relationships in a way that improves your confidence. Set boundaries & improve your communication. This is important for creating success in life because nothing worthwhile is ever done alone. You need people to be a part of that vision and support it.
If you liked this content and you want to read more of my blogs Visit Truly Thomas Page